We love our customers at New You HQ. They really are the nicest of people. And that’s part of the problem. Being nice can actually lead to you gaining weight! Here’s why…
Research has shown one common behavioural pattern seen over and over again among people who are unable to lose weight is the People Pleaser. A People Pleaser is one of the nicest and most helpful people you know. They never say ‘no.’ You can always count on them for a favour. In fact, they spend a great deal of time doing things for other people. They get their work done, help others with their stuff, make all the plans, and are always there for family members and friends. So far this sounds like a good thing. Unfortunately, it can be an extremely unhealthy pattern of behaviour.
Are you a People Pleaser?
Typically, the intense need to please and care for others is deeply rooted in either a fear of rejection and/or fear of failure. Fear of rejection is the underlying feeling that, ‘If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy they might leave or stop caring for me.’
Fear of rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life (for example, a parent left or was emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available).
Fear of failure is the underlying feeling that ‘If I make a mistake, I will disappoint people and/or be punished.’ Fear of failure can arise from early experiences with severe punishment for even small mistakes. People who had highly critical parents may develop a people-pleasing pattern. Early experiences with harsh criticism or punishment can lead to significant anxiety upon attempting a task.
Even though the parent or other important person in your life who doled out the criticism may no longer be in your life, anxiety is an emotion that can live on for a very long time. To deal with that anxiety, we do everything we can to get things right, finish the job, and make sure everybody is happy.
Regardless of the origins, consistently putting others needs above your own can develop into the following 4 consequences.
1. You neglect yourself
People Pleasers devote very little time to taking care of their own health. Their efforts towards taking care of others replaces time they need to be active, de-stress, or plan healthy meals, etc. As a result, they may be more prone to health problems.
If you are a People Pleaser your heart is in the right place. Wanting to take care of others is not a bad thing and if more people had a little bit of what you have, the world would be a better place. However, you cannot do this at the expense of yourself. A balance is needed. Consider that taking care of yourself makes you better equipped to take care of others by giving you the energy and vitality to do it even better than you are now.
Imagine you are driving a Red Cross lorry delivering food and water to hurricane victims. If you are in such a hurry to get to every single victim that you don’t stop once in a while to refuel the lorry, eventually you will be stalled on the side of the road helping no one. Think of the time you put into exercise, de-stressing, and committing to your New You Plan as your fuel stops.
2. Passive aggression and/or resentment
Over time, a People Pleaser is likely to find themselves silently angry at the people in their life. The desire to be kind will suppress that anger but unexpressed anger often turns into passive aggression. We are being passive aggressive when we make sharp comments, crack sarcastic jokes, or make subtle actions that let a little of our negative feelings seep out.
Making matters worse, mounting resentment is the biggest destroyer of relationships. Communicating your feelings is the only way to avoid resentment, although it requires taking the risk that the other person might not be happy to hear that you are upset or they may not take responsibility for what has upset you. The outcome doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you spoke up for yourself. Speaking up also puts people on notice that they will be informed when they have done something that has upset you. This alone can make people tread more lightly.
3. Stress and Depression
The definition of stress is having more demands than you can handle. People Pleasing can turn into a vicious cycle of chronic stress and unhealthy behaviours. If you have the constant feeling like you are too busy and doing everything for everyone else but yourself, you might be stuck in this cycle.
Stress and depression can be medicated but that won’t break the cycle. If pulling out of the cycle seems overwhelming, identify one small place you can start. Identify one responsibility you have taken on that you can cancel to free up some time for yourself. Work from there. Find one person in your life to share your plan with and ask them to help you implement it. Perhaps you could share it with us in our New You private Facebook group Secret Slimmers.
4. Be taken advantage of
By always saying “yes” to requests for favours, people may begin to take advantage of your kindness by asking for more than is reasonable. Even worse, you may become the target of exploitive people because they will quickly see that you can’t say no and take as much as they can from you. Even people who are generally not exploitive may take advantage because they don’t realise that you are overtaxing yourself and have difficulty understanding where your boundaries are because you haven’t set any in place.
Either way, requests from other people will become overwhelming. We teach people how to treat us by the behaviour we accept or reject from them. This means setting boundaries about what you can and cannot do, and what you will and will not accept. Once you have established this, sticking to it is important. The other challenge is that if everyone is used to you saying yes, they may feel disappointed or angry when you begin to say no.
It is extremely important to ignore feelings of guilt. You deserve to take care of yourself – it is nothing to ever feel guilty about. Keep reminding yourself of the Red Cross lorry.
At New You HQ we are committed to helping our customers move beyond any limiting behaviours which may be affecting their weight loss goals. For many, choosing to follow our New You Total Food Replacement plan is the first step in actually doing something purely for themselves.
And we recognise that that is a big step. Huge in fact. With it comes fears of being selfish, indulgent, of wasting money and time. That why we have created a network of support around our customers. From our private customer support group, Secret Slimmers, which is full of people JUST like you, who will encourage each tentative step you take towards living a healthy happy life, to our fabulous community team, on hand to answer any questions you might have.
We create content that will speak to you, initiatives to inspire you and we will hold your hand every step of the way.
For more information on how to live your best life – for you – click here.
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